what is true solitude?

how do i cut the strings?
how free would i be?

missed you even more...

dreams just have to feel so real it fuck you up real good when you wake up to reality.

fade fade fade.

in the past when i lost a battle, there are still things to smile about.
today was different. i tried too hard and while its still a victory, there is nothing to look forward to.

wonders.

what if i take the wrong poison?
how will it turn out?
how deep the rabbit hole will be?

the wrong nerve.

a filling void that harvest the darkest thoughts ever.
contemplating many acts of disasters.

smile, but evil at heart.

it is still dark.
my eyes still see the worst.

wait for the knock.

i still give a fuck.
people like me take the full brunt.
our heart is too kind so people trample on them.
our trust is given wholeheartedly so people abuse them.
right now i desire for nothing more than bad karma.

keep trying.

rainy nights did much worse to the already crushed heart.

i'll just keep drowning.

perhaps the truth is at the bottom.

my muse, my magic.

if i open the next door, will it be you?

will i be able to do so?

how do i make peace with myself?

last christmas together.

remember how competitive you were in decorating your office 2 christmas ago?
we went crazy in folding papers for the christmas tree.
whose idea was it?

there was so much stress.
but we were together.
that was all that mattered.

that was all that mattered...

burning bright.

this is how its like to be broken.
a pain as intense as love.
one cannot exist without the other.

sick.

this is the part you will force me to drink that nasty herbal tea.
and you will laugh at how i struggle.

fucking songs :(

still crying like fuck.

asleep or awake.

never. ending. pain.

all alone.

felt more alive.
closer to the madness.
had too much, nauseous.
verge of throwing up.

this is the part you should tell me:
boo, its enough. this is enough.

because you're my sanity.
but you're not here.

the beautiful smile.

i miss how you sleep with your head on my thighs.
i'll be watching a chinese TV show all by myself.
but thats okay.
even if you were asleep, you were there.
i'll just have to wait for you to wake up with a smile.

wasting words.

all those written words.
strange, how people believe in love.
once gone, where do they go?

just maybe.

perhaps if i exert myself and take in lots of physical damage, maybe, just maybe, i could temporarily lessen the pain in my heart.

still not feeling alive.

it got heavy.
i have to do it alone.
no one has to suffer for me.

unlike the many.

there are those who sees the other side of things.

the darkness before the light.

they understand life more than others will.

because they give a shit about things that matters.

they don't just do things for themselves.

unlike the many.

dark deliverance.

the willingness to be consumed by the depths of desperation.