yin & yang.

it is always about being fair.
at least that what it means to me from when i was young.

growing up, i always make sure the people behind me don't get any lesser than what i got.
it can be from taking lesser food so that the rest can enjoy.
or taking the less pleasing item.
or walking the extra mile.
or waiting an extra hour.

in other words, i don't mind sacrificing so others can be happy.
i believe that it was fair in my eyes and it is normal for me.

then i got older and realise there can never be fairness in the world.
no one appreciates you when you do good.
but you will get the attention when you did something bad.

i always try to see the good in people no matter what the circumstances.
feeding myself with reasons that could have resulted in their actions.
there is always good in people.

then the girl i dearly love broke my trust.

i went psychotic.
everything that i had believed in just crumbled.
its as if i had lived in a fantasy where everyone could have a happy life all along.
and reality gave me a hard wake-up slap.

this is the cruel world we live in.
nothing is fair.

die trying.

one of the hardest tasks for the human mind is convincing yourself that you no longer care.

trying times.

30 seconds then.
30 seconds now.

lost space & sanity.

coming home to dinner almost everyday after work.
no longer i would take the bus to Toa Payoh interchange and meet you there for dinner.
or even to Novena, or Fareast Plaza, or town... anywhere.
even at times straight to your aunt's place where we would order delivery.
sometimes you became the chef and cook up meals for me.
other days might just call for instant noodles.
no matter what it is, it was love.
so, so much love.

but now i felt so empty.
after work i felt like there is no place to go.
not that i do not appreciate home.
just that a part of my life which had been ongoing is gone.
i hang out with friends, picked up photography, walked alone at night in parts of Singapore.
still lost.

i couldn't think straight but i am for sure thinking about you.
and i really miss you so much.
its so fucking bad that i am becoming confused.
all these emotions are just sitting in my head and fighting one another.
like how it is now as i typed this entry.
not even knowing what i'm doing anymore.
what is this feeling supposed to be?

we all matter.

"... maybe less then alot but always more then none".

sear.

you could look me in the eye with hidden intentions.
that look still haunt me.

mess of me.

it is harder now to fight by myself.

beautiful & deadly.

love doesn't start in the morning & doesn't end in the evening.
it starts when you don't need it & ends when you need it most.

not even once.

you never looked back, at all.

vaporized.

i had wanted us to go for a karaoke session.

you love to sing.

so i looked up a couple of Mayday songs lyrics in hanyu pinyin.

some words are easy while others arent.

i suppose there would only be chinese lyrics on screen.

figured that it would be best if i write down the hanyu pinyin lyrics.

but i did not expect things to end up like this.

after so long, we did not even sing together.

no words can express what i'm feeling now...

too blind.

when everyone else was speaking against you,
i still defended.

i always had wanted to believe the good in you,
but i only fell harder.

tell me i am stupid.

when is enough?

if i see long enough
if i hear long enough
if i speak long enough
then perhaps, it will end.

heart racing.

another dream
it was beautiful
you and me again
only to wake up

:(

how do I believe?

a million little pieces.

love. hope. faith.

cruel.

last night i dreamt about you again.
still cannot stop thinking how you had betrayed my trust.
of all people, you.

is there no sense of guilt at all in you?
you're not even going to talk?
so our conversation hangs...

end of all days.

some people deserve to die.
their existence in this world are not needed.
they are the negativities that harm others.
these breed of humans are the very reason the world is going bonkers.
as well as the society which are disintegrating.
what you do to others can happen to you.
do you believe in karma?
i do, and i'm waiting for it to punch you right in the face.
i'm waiting for you to fall.
or perhaps if not you, then the generation of yours to come.
have a taste of your own medicine.

this will not be forgotten, and never will be.

wu yue tian.

i am crazy.
i just had to listen to your songs.

fucked.

blind.

very dark.
with no desire to see the light.

its comfortable here.

insidious.

a thousand emotions all at once.
felt so much now that i'm starting to feel nothing.

wrench.

cleaning up day and i come across all the gifts you bought/made for me.
those are really sweet things.

feeling fucked up again.
and really i cant bear to throw them away.

i wonder how about you.
our couple ring i still bring around with me in my bag still.

sigh.

desolation.

the insides of me is breaking down.
i am feeding it.

no inner peace.

still have that dark side in me.

the desire to make people feel the pain they deserve.

an eye for an eye, a blind world.

in the end perhaps there can never be true peace.

light and dark exist together, yin and yang.

it is the balance of nature.

one cannot be without the other.

the old bench.

it has not been easy these few days.
kept remembering things that you might not even be thinking about.
i passed by the old bench below the blk near my house.
it was the place of our early days together.

you would always come over at night.
we would sit beside each other, full of smiles and laughter.
talked about anything and everything.

there was once i decided to meet you at your place.
i ended up taking the wrong bus and got lost.
really remember that one.
after all i was bad at directions.

now whenever i passed by that place, my heart sinks.
i really wonder how you are now...

k.

wait for that one day.
when it comes, smile.

smile in the face of despair :)

unhelpable.

doing grocery shopping felt different.
no one is dragging me to the wet tissue section.

i need help.

taken for granted.

good has lost it's heart.

the rush.

i close my eyes and everything rushes into my mind.

it hurts. it still does. and it hurts really, really badly.

go on.

because of you i have trust issues.
you messed me up pretty badly.

give yourself a pat on your back.

daze.

i was always happy to know i've got someone beautiful in my life.
even when my day got tough, i didn't mind.
all i know is at the end of the day, i could meet you.
that was all that mattered.

do you know how grateful i was to have you?
i had really thought we were meant for each other.
litte did i know this loving bond could change.
it changed to a straight-out opposite of what it used to be.

melancholic.

listening to certain songs sometimes remind me of a period of time in my life.
and you take up a big space on this.

almost every single song in my iPod reminds me of you and us.
more than half a decade. thats just how bad the damage is.

at all?

you didn't even contact me once.
it was always me.

our memories are really nothing to you?

screaming god.

each day my heart disintegrates.
it questions more.

heavy heart.

i hope you do went back to your dad's.
please don't forget about them.

in pieces - L.P.

You promised me the sky
Then tossed me like a stone
You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone










And you will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets, don't lie

deep inside.

Q: You will regret it if you throw it away.
Me: Okay... I'll keep it.

Deep inside this blackened heart, there's still colours of us that burns.
I still give a fuck, even with all these shit you throw at me.

until it's gone.

"Some people don't know what they have until it's gone."

"But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted. Who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most."

"Isn't it so much worse for them?"


- Lang Leav

not here, not there.

it came back again.
not that it had left.
this time more intense.
more strong.
more painful.

Mayday songs played in my head.
reminds me of how we start.
just casually together.
so young and free.
so full of love.

your face keeps flashing.
my heart weakens.
i was supposed to move on.
but i just could not.
i still need time.

tears would well up in my eyes.
this as i reminesce the moments we shared.
i. still. am. not. able. to. accept. it.
it was too fast and too shocking.
it was messy.

i'm neither alive nor dead.
an empty shell void of existence.
nothing i do is free of you.
the memories of you.
the memories of us.

//

last night i had a cruel dream.
i dreamt of us back when we were together.
having the time of our lives...

dying light.

you haven't truly given until you have given till it hurts.

SOS.

i had been the very optimistic one.
being there for people during their dark times.
listening to them as they speak their hearts out.
helping them to pull themselves together.

now it is my turn in need of them.
they did a lot for me but i am still living here.
i feel bad about my incapability in handling this situation.
i don't know what else to do.

nights like these.

i wonder if you ever thought about me at all.

i do still think about you.

you know how fucked up this is?

dark minds.

its hard not to look beyond one's smile now.
hard not to imagine a sleeping devil.
seeing life through different eyes.
it is not safe and it never was.
for every good people, there are the opposites.
it is better to be by yourself.
you know when you screw up.
you know it is your fault and thats that.
end of story.

"Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first" - Steve Irwin.

death note.

my view, in the end, is still the same years ago.
may the world be rid of humanly disease and pestilence.