the words i speak of.

the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

have you seen yourself?

where is your dignity?

slow death.

our lives are measured in years.
well that is true, it is only half true.
actually our lives are truly measured by moments.
it is the seconds in which we make decisions and act.
the outcome of which paves the way in front of us.
these are what we, more often than not, overlook.
the moments are precious and also dangerous.
it can build, or break you.
but you could also BUILD OR BREAK OTHERS!
and so you did.
you broke what was shared by two lovers.
your mind, twisted.
your dignity, none.

tender loving care.

those little letters you snuck in together with the food you made for me.
do you know how happy i am to receive those?
it turns the darkest of storms to a bright sunny day.

your heart decay.

the apple of your eye,
the rotten core inside.

we don't need eyes.

you are the mastermind.

the white, the black, the red.

you've played your game well, bastard.
it will on this very plane on which i suffer where you will find no peace.
may your heart be filled with discomfort, just as how i am.

always denying.

maybe sometimes people did not actually change.
maybe you just never knew who they really were.

keep it up!

you are a fucking coward!

the very opposite.

you would expect someone with a higher EQ to be able to handle this well.
but from what i can see and experience for myself, these people don't.
they break on the inside much more than what you can ever imagine.
your puny mind is incapable of registering these level of emotions.
so when people tell me how good i am to have a high EQ, i tell them no.
i wish i was not born with one because we will be the sufferers of life.
a world where the antagonist feel the exact pain inflicted on the protagonist, instantly.
that is a world i so much desire.
an eye, for an eye.

say hello.

back to places where my heart squeezed itself to hide.
from pain, anger, disappointment, sadness.
above all, despair.

still air.

hope you have been visiting your parents.
i was just thinking about them.
especially your mum.

may they be in the pink of health.
and you too.




damn.

10th? 11th pack?

i lost count.

help me answer.

is this how it is like to be a human being?
you have to have feelings?
to feel happy, sad, angry, disappointed...?
why must we have feelings?
is it important?
why must we feel sad when others steal us of our happiness?
is it a choice to stay sad?
why must others not care about us when we care about them?
what if the next time we chase happiness and it happens again?
is this how life is about?
a cycle of uncertainties?
who are those people who said all this will pass?
are there people who leave this world never knowing happiness?
when i was 7 i kept thinking why am i in this body.
why am i breathing from in here.
why am i not an animal, a plant?
do they have feelings?
even if they do, would the capacity of emotions the same as a human?
can i reduce mine?
is it necessary to even have?
the world is cruel, life is unfair.
never compare one's life with a more unfortunate one.
each heart takes in pain differently.
only an idiot feels otherwise.

liar, liar, pants on fire.

you said 'i love you' to me,
when your tongue held other stories.

最重要的小事.

:(

so much misses.

this horrible feeling when i recall how we were together at this point of time and place.

false awakening.

sometimes i'm not sure if my eyes are open or closed.
i see the same thing - just blackness.

and then there are times i'm not sure if i am awake or dreaming.
everything feels real and i wonder which is more painful.

rough & tough.

i'm doing it alone.

dissolution.

let all these mirrors my torment.

you greyed it out.

i will do the best in the worst way possible.

familiar paths evoke.

i remember how you would lie on my lap and sleep.
oh how sweet you looked.
i would gaze at you from time to time and smile to myself.
feeling happy at how fortunate i was to have you.
do you remember?
because everytime you wake up, the light was too bright.
i would cup my hands on your eyes and you would smile.

fuckedup.

all the lights are out.

inside a place where even moonlight doesn't reach.

kill switch.

it kicks in and everything's a blur.
what difference does it make?
what am i suppose to feel now?

vision of selfish desires.

if you want to know who you are, you have to look at your real self and acknowledge what you see.

the lowest form of life.

yet another one of those cruel scene played while asleep.
you cheated yourself out of true loyalty.

for life is everything.

For those who possess, they were willing to abandon.
For those who seek, they were willing to kill.

does it even die?

when love dies, does it perish forever?
or does it turn into a ghost that haunts you every moment of every day?

another moment, another eternity.

FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTYOUPIECEOFSHIT!

stinking lies.

you know the thing about words.
they can be arranged nicely to even mask a corpse as a living soul.
and you can't smell that filthy, rotting stench.
not until the one who spoke, left.

what is ok?

if i may so ask again.
how do you sleep at night?

like you know, even way before, when you already knew.
and you have the plans in your head.

do you just sleep normally?
you could accept it? the things you are about to do?

the true colour of your nature?
when everyone else thinks of you otherwise?

i still cannot believe.
i was still blind.

i fucking stood up for your name even when it is you who created the mess!
stupid, thats what i was.

cruel world.

beneath the skin of your soul.

we weren't invincible.

as much as we wish we could be.

it could have been simpler.

but you did not make it that way.

you look into my eyes and still smile.

when your heart was already rotting.

you could bear to do that.

but i could not, and i never will.

jammed.

i wonder if the very reason this happened is the real deal.
or perhaps it is just a camouflage for a disgusting act that's been cooked for a while.

logically illogical.

the world is a really funny place.
why do we have to go through pain?
actually we don't have to.
but reality disagrees.

messed up dream.

the thoughts in my mind crafted it as perfectly horrible as i could have imagined.