just like the sun.

it was cold.
not the weather, or the office.
but rather cold from within me.
do you recall me saying that?
because i was too shocked.
my brain could not register.
my heart still could not accept.
it was beating very fast.

you called and i hear your voice.
i was in a daze.
thinking about everything.
trying to but just could not.
impossible, impossible.
my body shook.
was feeling rather numb.
what is going to happen next?

i can never forget that day.
truth or not, it happened.
never once i imagined.
i wanted to cry so much.
but you already were.
it will just make it worse.
those tears fall since then.
its still you, day in and out.

buried.

you made me believe in everything.
now i have come to believe in nothing.

staring at the ceiling.

how do i do?

necessary evil.

if one gave up his/her happiness for another in the hope that the other party will be happy, knowing full well that it would not come to be, is it right to call it an extremely selfish move?

unfinished.

it asked, and i answered.
the nails on the coffin are half hammered.

love & lost.

the ones who lose are those who cared too much.
they say one should love more than the other.
that is what i did & that is how i fail.

how to live.

honestly, ask yourself.

mind is fucked.

you know who loses?
the one who gave the best he could to you.
and all you say is sorry tagged with lies.

overwhelming.

too much in my head.
staring at the ceiling thinking about you.
the things we did together.
and things we did not.

how painful it is to remember these.
i was desperately hoping it was just a phase.
but it did not happen to be.
you tore my heart to pieces.

i was helpless knowing it.
its sadness beyond measure.
its pain like never before.
all i am was nothing.

almost half a year passed.
and my heart is still lost.
if there is any hope left in this world.
i hope it does not find me.

hide behind silence.

to see a person's true nature, get them cornered.
throw in all their faults and let them feel they have nothing to lose.
from the way they respond, you will have your answer.

"to see the right and not do it is cowardice".

a virtue.

i will wait, and wait, and wait.

another world.

i want to believe there is an alternate universe.
perhaps one where i am the one who chose for us to walk different paths.
that i am the one who caused hurt.
i would rather be the evil that breaks the bond.
i want to be the bad person.
not you.
i do not want you to be seen as one.
you were this innocent, beautiful girl in my life.
i want to remember you that way.

or rather another universe.
one where we both live our lives together happily.
one where we could wake up in the morning and just stare into each other's eyes.
gazing far beyond into each other's worlds.
realising we are the world for one another.

i want to believe.

wee hours.

remember those late nights when i accompany you through your studies with Skype?
waking up the next morning like a zombie was nothing compared to seeing you smile a little here and there when you're mugging.

a matter of when.

either of the toxic will kill.
just a matter of time.

steep.

loneliness kills.
where are you?

deceit.

the same to mouth that whispers words of love has become one which utter words of treachery.

digging deeper.

ordering food online and your address is on most of them.
do you remember how i accidentally ordered pasta and they went to your place?
you thought it was for you but there were two meals.
hilarious moment.
i miss those times.
i miss how we would cuddle together by the couch and have our meals.
miss more on the home cooked food you whipped up.
and the one i will truly never forget is your rainbow cake.
oh how much i was surprised.
you put in so much effort.
there was so much love.
what happened.
:(

absence of judgement.

too kind to hurt.
too foolish to know.

still thinking.

my birthday celebration that you promised.
is it gone forever?
you did not mean it when you said it?
why would you do this?
the man who share so much of his life and love with you.
leave him in the most shittiest way?
you are able to just continue life like that?
our love did not mean anything at all?
he thought about you every day and night.
always distracted.
this madness did not justify the love he has for you.

spontaneous.

hurting inside every fucking day.

did you not think of me?

you knew what you were doing.
you knew what you were breaking.

everlasting.

stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime - Mineko Iwasaki.

feigned ignorance.

to reach this level, a situation that didn't cross my mind even in a million years.

human's tendency.

if one is capable of doing it, it could happen again.

bleed dry.

the worse part of living is when your heart has already died.

i mean it.

i'm not okay.

unforgivable.

so there exist people who would utilize another to assist in the breaking of bonds with the people who love them.

i can't.

那 样 的 回 忆 那 麽 足 够 足 够 我 天 天 都 品 嚐 着 寂 寞.

staring at the starry night.

boo, i'm still missing you.

the empty universe.

had a talk with a friend and the topic about commuting long distances came up.
it reminds me of during my National Service days where we would get 'nights out'.
i remember how excited i was whenever we get those.
would contact you straight away and arrange for a meetup.
its only about 3 to 4 hours but we do make it happen.
even if the travelling takes about an hour's time.
meeting halfway - me from the west and you from central.
amazing how the desire to see the one you love makes you do anything.
anything at all to be able to hold their hand and gaze into their starry eyes.
they became your world, one which you would not hesitate to sacrifice for.

what about me?

you no longer have feelings?

think think.

would you kill an innocent, complete stranger to save the person you love the most?

tumblr.

our tumblr is 2 years old now.
i remember how i started it.
i was so happy to build a place where we can post our memories.
most importantly it was created to surprise you.
in conjunction with your 24th birthday and our 4 years of togetherness at that time.
but now it is just laid barren.
:'(

vermin.

what makes you think you made a great sacrifice?
how could you believe that what you did was right?
it was never right when you're the only one wielding the sword.
no, that is also wrong.
it was never right when the other person never, ever, in his mind feels the need to even have one.
and you took advantage of that.
you took advantage of him.
you exploited the situation.
such inexplicable acts.

goals.

in order to achieve their goals, some people are willing to do whatever it takes.
stepping on people, lying, hurting others' feelings.
the process where people get pushed aside does not matter.
the only process they see is them working hard and striving for their goals.
unfortunately, however, this is the human world.
life is not meant to be fair, right?

3 faces.

each person has 3 faces.
the first face, you show to the world.
the second face, you show to the people close to you.
the third face, you show to no one.

that face is the truest reflection of who you are.

FILTH! no lesser than that.

manusya-gati.

human beings have always been the problem to many things in this world.
they are driven by their selfish basic needs to survive.
strong desires are capable of overwriting emotional bonds.
from birth to death, each and every bit of their actions affect this world.
much more on the negative side than the positive.
these could not be seen or felt by them because they are ignorant.
or perhaps simply do not care, to put it bluntly.
as long as there are human beings, there can never be true peace.
well actually if their emotions can be killed, it could be possible.
it would be a world of robots, a pointless world.
however it would be one where there would be no suffering.
no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no desperation, no pain.
and if there is even a tiny bit of that, i seek it.
you ordinary people will never truly understand this.

injection.

this is the kind of world you live in with your twisted, wicked mind.
live long. live long enough to suffer every single bit of bitterness that life has to offer.
cower in the corner of your heart, one filled with blackness, where the devil resides.
cry and beg and pray as all hope escapes and abandons you in your sin.
shiver in coldness on the inside & burn from the heat outside.
this is the path you took.
this is the life you will lead.
this is your injection.