because you are.

you are fucked up.
and thats just how it is.

you ruined it all.

you do know how you fucked up right?
after all these time i am still fucking disturbed.
why? why? whyyyyyy?

killer.

another tough day ended.
in the most harshest moment i thought of you.
but it disappeared in an instant.
you were not there.
you were not there.
you were not there.
YOU WERE NOT THERE!

fucking empty.

you've been with me when i'm in green right from the beginning.
but this time, you're not.

how?

fucking miss you.

listening to mayday songs and kept thinking about you.
thats fucked up.

displeased.

i still speak about you.
despite the shit you gave me.
so there are stories that i still share.
with friends & colleagues.
and they will give me the look.
but memories of you are still within me.
and burying them did not help either...

just drown.

right now its a feeling of helplessness.

how do i do?

going back to camp next week and i'm not sure how to pull through 2 weeks of it.
in the past it was always about you.
the thought of having you and being able to see you at the end helps so much.
i remember sleeping in a shellscrape for the first time ever.
it was a crazy day and i thought i could not last another.
that night the only thing in my mind was you.
it helped. alot.

is it more regular now?

somehow bumped onto some old files in computer.
one of them is a note listing your mensus dates.
remember how you asked me to help keep track?
i did. in fact it was in my calendar of my old phone too.
always wanted to make sure you were healthy.

i shouldnt have.

happened to look through our overseas trip photos and smiling to myself seeing the lovely shots taken.

gg.

clockwork fail.
no appetite.
no strength.
no desire.

biting dust.

your presence meant alot.

has it been the same for you?

fuck.

unable to move.

how long more do i need?
i don't know.
i still cannot live without knowing the truth.

with a cat.

googled "how to live alone".
LOL.

dont. fucking. understand.

how we whispered "i love you" over the phone and asked each other to hang up first.
those moments never left.

its the same sweet voice that lied to me.

countless.

people will eventually fail on you.
its only a matter of time.
because nobody wants to lose out.
everyone wants to win.
go ahead and be selfish.

why why why???

insides breaking further apart.
depressing... depressing...

so tired.

i dont want to feel anything...
i dont want to feel anything at all.

losing gravity.

still could not find it.
the inner peace within myself.
its rage everyday.
its melancholic too.
the feelings inside is just like a drizzle at dusk.
there is this soft yet edgy overflow in the chamber of the heart.
say goodnight to get that temporary release.

feel like shit now.

these kind of nights...
they don't fail to remind me of our love...

point break.

it is not easy, and it does not seem to get any easier.
thank you for doing this to me.

dread.

went back to a place we once sat together, enjoying each other's company.
how could i lie that i did not think of you at all?
my heart and mind played tricks on me.
the present stood still and the past moments sweep by.

silhouettes.

tell me how do i close my eyes without having to see your face?

ravaged.

you really cut me off...
what did i ever do to you to receive this unforgiving situation?

if it could kill, the better.

the most patient of people creates the most devastating damage.
and so are those who seems so innocent...

thats how maturity works.

even as your closest friend, if i know you are doing something that will hurt someone's feelings, i will stop you.

when you only think of yourself, you are one selfish thrash in society.

impure.

all the smiles hide the demonic smirks which only time will show.

+1 for family.

are you staying over at your parent's place?
did you and your dad meet up as often as we had when we were together.
hope he is doing well. your mum too.
it will be great if there are more chats between you two.
has it been this way?

piece o shit.

fucking broken inside.
don't know what now.

or implode.

walked by the paths we once frequent.
happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment...
yes, all those fucking emotions just rushed into my brain.
i wish they really could just explode.

judas kiss.

the black wind blew again,
pulled my heart into the abyss.
did my best to keep sane,
or perhaps for once give it a miss.

an unfinished life.

even upon death there is no rest,
the blood in your hands has long dried,
to you nothing but for me a test,
one where i lose my heart yet still have to fight.

no hiding.

we all should have the third eye to see souls.
souls within the bodies of the living.
so we can eradicate the unnecessary, the ungrateful and the unjust.

th sffrr & th wtnss.

don't know how to say it anymore.
the pain surfaces again.
now much more.
crushes every single moment.
cannot think straight.
nothing feels right.
it seems that path is here once more.

of many faces.

there will be a time when you want to remove your mask but you have worn it for so long that when you do so, your skin follows.

skeletons in the closet.

don't know why i open our text messages.
don't know what i am looking for.

finding comfort in the warm words,
or digging corpses in between cold lines.

you know nothing.

every night you are still the last person on my mind.

what do you know...

calling your name.

reaching for you from the endless dream.

afraid of the things i might do.

invincibility comes when the heart knows no fear and the mind is clear.

it also happens when you are feeling fucked up real bad and you're overiding every damn pain.

spotless mind.

maybe its better to have all memories wiped out.
wake up to know not even one ownself.

palpitations.

my body is crumbling.

invisible to all.

no matter how many times i shut my eyes, i see your face.
how much deception can you take?

not. one. bit.

just you and more of you.
time does not help at all.

blackhole, right from the beginning.

you know what?
today was my birthday.

what does it make?
an extended lie.

angel or devil?

the words you chose are what define you.
you got to decide who you are.
so, what are you?

do you still look up st the night sky?

time have seen all we have ever felt.
but for us, in our hearts.