because you are.

you are fucked up.
and thats just how it is.

you ruined it all.

you do know how you fucked up right?
after all these time i am still fucking disturbed.
why? why? whyyyyyy?

killer.

another tough day ended.
in the most harshest moment i thought of you.
but it disappeared in an instant.
you were not there.
you were not there.
you were not there.
YOU WERE NOT THERE!

fucking empty.

you've been with me when i'm in green right from the beginning.
but this time, you're not.

how?

fucking miss you.

listening to mayday songs and kept thinking about you.
thats fucked up.

displeased.

i still speak about you.
despite the shit you gave me.
so there are stories that i still share.
with friends & colleagues.
and they will give me the look.
but memories of you are still within me.
and burying them did not help either...

just drown.

right now its a feeling of helplessness.

how do i do?

going back to camp next week and i'm not sure how to pull through 2 weeks of it.
in the past it was always about you.
the thought of having you and being able to see you at the end helps so much.
i remember sleeping in a shellscrape for the first time ever.
it was a crazy day and i thought i could not last another.
that night the only thing in my mind was you.
it helped. alot.

is it more regular now?

somehow bumped onto some old files in computer.
one of them is a note listing your mensus dates.
remember how you asked me to help keep track?
i did. in fact it was in my calendar of my old phone too.
always wanted to make sure you were healthy.

i shouldnt have.

happened to look through our overseas trip photos and smiling to myself seeing the lovely shots taken.

gg.

clockwork fail.
no appetite.
no strength.
no desire.

biting dust.

your presence meant alot.

has it been the same for you?

fuck.

unable to move.

how long more do i need?
i don't know.
i still cannot live without knowing the truth.

with a cat.

googled "how to live alone".
LOL.

dont. fucking. understand.

how we whispered "i love you" over the phone and asked each other to hang up first.
those moments never left.

its the same sweet voice that lied to me.

countless.

people will eventually fail on you.
its only a matter of time.
because nobody wants to lose out.
everyone wants to win.
go ahead and be selfish.

why why why???

insides breaking further apart.
depressing... depressing...

so tired.

i dont want to feel anything...
i dont want to feel anything at all.

losing gravity.

still could not find it.
the inner peace within myself.
its rage everyday.
its melancholic too.
the feelings inside is just like a drizzle at dusk.
there is this soft yet edgy overflow in the chamber of the heart.
say goodnight to get that temporary release.

feel like shit now.

these kind of nights...
they don't fail to remind me of our love...