purposeless walking.

it was dark and scary but it is still bearable.

still bearable.

negative change.

people say one has become a bad entity for harm he inflict upon himself.
i say the one who deserves such a statement is he who inflict harm upon another.

day becomes night.

its getting worse.

the attacks are more frequent.

the you.

you have no idea about the dreams i'm having.
the nightmares.
each time i jump awake.
they felt real.
its the closest i can feel you now.
in the world of my consciousness.
the you i had grown to love.
the you that was closest to my heart.
the you who have already died.

walking to nowhere.

alot.
threading unknown paths.
going long distances.
getting lost.

feet in pain.
body drenched in sweat.
but the mind is still.
at the same spot as it has always been.

critical.

no words can describe.
fubar.

no closure.

eyes grow weary,
each step is heavy.
all lights fade out,
soul left in doubt.

the suffering screams,
tearing heart's seams.
despair fills this space,
this never ending maze.

//

We've spent more than 5 years going to places. And its alot of places. Almost everywhere I go now, reminds me of the memories we shared there and then. I will sit and stare at nothingness as the memory reel spins through my mind. Flashbacks after flashbacks after flashbacks. I will smile a little. A weak smile. For one moment I was back in time, having the time of my life with you. Our hearts fluttering with joy. Rainbows and butterflies. (Of course not butterflies. You are afraid of them.) We separated but I still love you. You stayed in my heart for a long time and I wanted it to stay that way. Suddenly all these swirls into nothingness and anger gripped me. Furious. Furious at how you abused my trust. I was mad. But it was pointless. At that point when you lied, your heart was no longer with me. You no longer loved me. I was in my own happy world thinking of more days, weeks, years to come, and being by your side. How naive I am to think that you could be my first, my one and only forever. Disappointed. After all these years, you just stabbed my heart from the back and ran away, leaving a blood trail behind. I was in disbelief. I trusted you with my life. And there is no conscience in you to at least, at the fucking least, end this cleanly. After all these years, you finally showed what kind of person you are. Perhaps to you this is ok. But you should know that it is not. Here is a man whose heart you have broken and his soul crushed. Eventually he will heal with time, no matter how long it takes. If you have any humanity left in you, please help me close this chapter of my life with respect. Maybe, just maybe, we can move on. Or I would rather say, me.

self respect.

if there is even any left.

deadly whispers.

i ran out of places to go.
ran out of words to say.

feeling numb and cold.
just couldn't feel myself.

tried everything.
but its still there.

you've became a poison.
one i'm still hung on to.

injustice.

thats what you did to our love,
or rather what remains of it.

i didn't know.

i crawled through another day.
the bits and pieces fall through time after time.
got distracted, got myself staring into endless horizons.
can't eat, can't sleep, can't feel.
not without the thought of you in my mind.
bitter, merciless at that.
how do you move on from such a break?
how do you live your life?

i didn't know you can just leave me like this.
i didn't know you can be this heartless.

no beginning, no end.

told myself to stop on the first.

now going on fourth.

absolute paranoia.

eyes fully shut.
what follows, leads.

teach me.

"Be like the flower that gives its fragrance to even the hand that crushes it."

a light that never comes - L.P.

When the floodgates open, brace your shores
That pressure don't care when it breaks your doors
Say it's all you can take, better take some more

Waiting for a light that never comes

fuckthisshit.

installed Picasa and every fucking photos load up.
Wldkjifenjsdjwjsdiskkwndkswmdjdidjejesdkjfike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the everything.

did it not count for anything?

i've been watching.

i've been waiting.

a lost mind.

lovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehate

the requiem - L.P.

God save us everyone
Will we burn inside the fires of a thousand suns
For the sins of our hand
Sins of our tongue
Sins of our father
Sins of our young

until you lose yourself.

there is this thing about lies.
you end up covering a lie, with another lie, another lie, another lie.

remember?

remember how i was always unable to lie in front of you?
whenever you suspected that i was lying, you would just smile and asked me to look you in the eye.
i would always try my best to keep a straight face if i really was lying.
sometimes when i'm already telling the truth, i would play along and struggle just so i can see you smile as you do your best to make me spill it out.
you knew i could never lie when i look at you in the eye.
whenever i looked at those eyes, it made me feel warm and loved.
it made me open up and i felt that there was nothing to hide.
there you were, the girl i so much loved.
why should i keep things from you.
you ought to know everything about me and my secrets.

but you.
there was no way of knowing if you have lied.
i have never even once tested you to see if you were telling the truth.
why would the girl who loved me, lie to me.
you were such a sweetheart.
you cared so much for me.
i was the best boyfriend, the kindest person you knew.
that, eventually, was my downfall.

look where we are now.
i don't know about you.
but i'm here, waiting for your reply.
wondering what had happened.
mind filled up with static thoughts.
day in.
day out.

vanish.

why are you avoiding me?

am i a stranger already?

oh look.

christmas. christmas over.

new year. new year over.

my birthday. birthday over.

(nice birthday wish to me by the way. very nice.

5 years together and that's the kind of message you can give? hah!)

you are treating me like dirt.

i have become an insignificant piece of matter in your life.

how is it? easy for you?

should have listened to you L.

but because i fucking trust!
because i trust...

effort.

does love need it?
you make it seems like it doesn't.

whose pain is greater?

all those guilty, let one day in the future may you be fed with the same poison.
and when it comes, let's see if you can still smile.

third pack.

i was this close to unleashing hell.
there were no thoughts of consequences.
this suffering is not mine alone to carry.
even if its for a fraction i would.

what are you?

what is right?
what is wrong?

what was that feeling you have for me?
what was it that took it away from me?
what have all these hopes lead to?
what made you do this?
what did i ever not do?
what did i ever do to deserve?
what does these all mean?

what?

treacherous.

everywhere and everytime.
almost everytime.

unexpected.

even the least uncaring, cared for me.

light & dark.

today, its yours.
but tomorrow, tomorrow it will never be yours.

selfish.

Humans are capable of horrendous acts.

relapse.

again.
and again.
and again.

27.

The night is a little too long.
I'm picking up pieces of what is left.
Still thinking, still wondering.
Still tearing over the same old shit.
Our picture still in the frame on my desk.
Your calling name still stuck in my phone.
Photos are still everywhere.
In phone, tablet, hardrives and also prints.
Where will all these go?
I can't even look at them.
If I do, I will see your eyes and your smile.
And for that moment I would die.
My mind goes blank and the heart stops beating.
Oh how much we had loved each other.
For far too long we cherished and adored.
Cared and appreciated one another.
Yet you left.
You just left me in a flash.
Left me with lies trailing behind.
Left with many questions go unanswered.
I was naive. I was stupid.
I became a fool to someone I dearly loved.
I had always trusted you.
And you used it.
I have lost love and faith.
May I find them again some day.
And if I do, I would hold them tight.
Keeping them away from malice.
Away from selfish, sick beings.
But right now, I'm still struggling.
God knows why.
The stick is ending.
And the coffee is getting cold.
Time for me to turn in.

Happy birthday to me.

waiting for the end - L.P.

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got.

guilty, all the same.

in the end, we all burn for our sins.

it creeps.

Lost,

is my heart,

not knowing where it hurts.

Lost,

is my soul,

not knowing how to go on.

Lost,

is my mind,

not knowing why it's here.

Everything. Everything is broken.

spillover.

if i go down, you will too.