most comforting.

a really tough day.
if only you were still here.
how'd you say that everything's gonna be alright.
your smile makes all my worries perish.

companionship.

the people you laugh and had fun with may not be the people who would be by your side when you need them most.

when i still put eyeliner.

do you know i still have our neoprint photos from like 5 years ago?
it is still in my wallet. the wallets have changed but the photos always have a space in it.
:(

plenty of stops.

keep on walking.
as much as this leg can bring, this heart can carry, this mind can take.

how is the view?

you are blinded so tightly.

lie, to yourself.

if you want to know who you are, you have to look at your real self and acknowledge what you see.

my early January.

still fucking waiting.
wait until i die.

diagnosis.

pretty much dead already.
ceased to exist.

nothing. at. all.

big freeze.

it is coming.

zeitgeist.

when we are given more than enough, we want more.
this growing insatiable hunger turns us into selfish and arrogant monsters.
we look at things as the way they are without seeing from a different point of view.
demands it to be the way we like it or if not, we get people to despise it too.
everything is about us, like we are the only important thing in this world.
this twisted society now will only plant more seeds of tunnel vision.
regardless of how happiness triumph, sorrow will always have a bite at your soul.

silent screams & shivers.

it was a path i once took many times.
i peeked to see if i would see even a glimpse.
but then i wondered what if we did.

black holes & revelations.

all the souls that would die just to feel alive.

how the world works.

if we are honest & don't talk much, people will step on us.

the drive.

i clearly remembered the day i was digging the shellscrape.
it was the 4th day of field camp during my BMT.
it was our early times together.

when night came, i kept thinking about you.
every inch of my body is screaming in agony.
but i could still smile at the thought of you.

you were there every step of the way.
you were my motivation during those hard times.
feeling melancholic now.

:'(

at zero.

perhaps if we as human beings do not have materials in which we have to compete for, the world would be a better place, though not much but definitely, better.

unexpected reality.

today another fine example of human greed and selfishness.

i am lost.

i am the darkness that wakes up everytime the sun kissed the horizon.
i am the light that burns when the night meets its end.

what is real?

this world is disturbing, interrupting, noisy and cacophonous...

you do it yourself.

now i see things i once cannot.
its ugly, really.
we do not hesitate at all when others need help.
but when we need that helping hand, its not there.
if there is anything i learn in life, there's one important one.

"never expect help. always be prepared to face the world alone for even the closest person to you might abandon you".

hideous.

what is the true colour of your nature?

still hurts.

just like the day we parted.

you cried so much.

i wonder if those are real.

after knowing you kept secrets.

wound forever fresh.

we are our own disease.

"There are no secrets about the world of nature. There are secrets about the thoughts and intentions of men".

at its weakest.

nights like these i have to get myself tired to be able to fall asleep.
even if so, i wonder if i would still dream of you.

nothing. i want to feel nothing.

a blinded heart.

even at that point when i'm at my most broken state, i still defended you.
everyone still cannot believe me.
and so was i, myself.

the lucifer effect.

why good people turned evil?

#19.

as i was pulling out the lighter from my bag's pocket, i could not help but to take out my ring. or rather my part of our couple ring. it has been sitting in there since the day we parted. well not exactly. the time when we met for a movie just a week later, i still wore it.

when i met up with you i eyed on your finger to see if you still wore yours. but you didn't. so i removed it quickly into my pant's pocket. at that moment i felt stupid and greatly heartbroken. i am not sure why but i kept thinking that we could come back together. at that point of time the secrets were still kept hidden. i was very happy that day mainly because we were going to watch a movie together. it was a disaster for me.

it is hard to not be a couple when you already once were. after that day my heart sank into the dark abyss. i hurt myself for even thinking there could be a chance for us. i paid the price. and i still am.

hypocrisy of the heart.

you are still the first thought in the morning.
and the last at night.

fuckthisshit.

it crawls into your skin.

do right and you do not have to fear anything.
do wrong and you will go into hiding, fearing everything.

murderer of many things.

may the light in your eyes shut and all that spreads in your heart is the poison you used against me.

in such an already cruel world we live in, it is people like you who deserves to die so others can enjoy peace.

hypothalamus.

its that same feeling.
just like stars on a rainy night.
you can't see them.
but you know they are there.

burn. just fucking burn.

monster.

how dark?

you left all the doors and windows shut.

i had to break my way out the hard way.

can you sleep peacefully at night?

i bet you can.

seizure.

the saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from enemies.
it comes from people you trust and put your faith in.

loop.

i trapped myself.
i need help.

into the sun.

we were taught to be grateful to everything in our lives.
no matter how bad the situation is, it is deemed to be a blessing in disguise.
i am not certain how many people out there are grateful everyday in their lives.
this society we live in always leave little room for such realisation.
for this life i lead i always do my best to see things under positive light.
before i vent my frustration i would pause and think through.
then just take a deep breath and smile as things are not bad as it seems to be.

however this act of always being grateful can become detrimental to the mind.
especially when you are so far high up in this level of optimism.
should you fall, you dont just crash.
you crash and you burn.
the fire will lit up for a long, long time.
it burns through all of the good of you.

clouded judgement.

the dust isn't settling.
it's still dark.

more.

i can only run so much.
till the point of asphyxiation.
but it was still not enough.
i still couldn't get it out.

don't count on me.

i'm losing sight.