yin & yang.

it is always about being fair.
at least that what it means to me from when i was young.

growing up, i always make sure the people behind me don't get any lesser than what i got.
it can be from taking lesser food so that the rest can enjoy.
or taking the less pleasing item.
or walking the extra mile.
or waiting an extra hour.

in other words, i don't mind sacrificing so others can be happy.
i believe that it was fair in my eyes and it is normal for me.

then i got older and realise there can never be fairness in the world.
no one appreciates you when you do good.
but you will get the attention when you did something bad.

i always try to see the good in people no matter what the circumstances.
feeding myself with reasons that could have resulted in their actions.
there is always good in people.

then the girl i dearly love broke my trust.

i went psychotic.
everything that i had believed in just crumbled.
its as if i had lived in a fantasy where everyone could have a happy life all along.
and reality gave me a hard wake-up slap.

this is the cruel world we live in.
nothing is fair.

die trying.

one of the hardest tasks for the human mind is convincing yourself that you no longer care.

trying times.

30 seconds then.
30 seconds now.

lost space & sanity.

coming home to dinner almost everyday after work.
no longer i would take the bus to Toa Payoh interchange and meet you there for dinner.
or even to Novena, or Fareast Plaza, or town... anywhere.
even at times straight to your aunt's place where we would order delivery.
sometimes you became the chef and cook up meals for me.
other days might just call for instant noodles.
no matter what it is, it was love.
so, so much love.

but now i felt so empty.
after work i felt like there is no place to go.
not that i do not appreciate home.
just that a part of my life which had been ongoing is gone.
i hang out with friends, picked up photography, walked alone at night in parts of Singapore.
still lost.

i couldn't think straight but i am for sure thinking about you.
and i really miss you so much.
its so fucking bad that i am becoming confused.
all these emotions are just sitting in my head and fighting one another.
like how it is now as i typed this entry.
not even knowing what i'm doing anymore.
what is this feeling supposed to be?

we all matter.

"... maybe less then alot but always more then none".

sear.

you could look me in the eye with hidden intentions.
that look still haunt me.

mess of me.

it is harder now to fight by myself.

beautiful & deadly.

love doesn't start in the morning & doesn't end in the evening.
it starts when you don't need it & ends when you need it most.

not even once.

you never looked back, at all.

vaporized.

i had wanted us to go for a karaoke session.

you love to sing.

so i looked up a couple of Mayday songs lyrics in hanyu pinyin.

some words are easy while others arent.

i suppose there would only be chinese lyrics on screen.

figured that it would be best if i write down the hanyu pinyin lyrics.

but i did not expect things to end up like this.

after so long, we did not even sing together.

no words can express what i'm feeling now...