where is the respect?

could not care less about the fucking money.
i'm disappointed in the communication you lacked.
i'm disappointed in people and their words.
i love people. this is heartbreaking...

human & their words.

two fucking Decembers, two fucking disappointment.

screaming infidelities.

i'm reading your notes over again.
"i love you always and forever".

i held to it. what does it bring me?

hallowed be thy name.

the more i think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds.
so much for the memories. akin to a murderer.

the shining darkness.

"One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive." - Unknown.

you, in my mind, stuck.

where is your heart?
how could you do this?
you completely erase me?
:'(

its justice.

its not revenge.
for as long as i live.

tell them.

tell everyone why you did it.
tell them HOW you did it.

i'll tell them how much my heart and soul break.
even till now, for i had loved you too much.

you.

remember the neoprints we took at cineleisure?
i still have them in my wallet.
its been with me since the day we printed it.
and i always look at them when we fought.
it reminds me to push away the sadness and keep what makes me happy - you.

dead anyway.

this is how humanity ends.
one more dollar, one less feeling.

true to the truth.

how much have i changed?
plenty.

my heart?
no.

dear agony.

how long does it take to kill?
feels like the poison only just seeped in.

dying in the inside everyday.

booey boooooooo...
i miss you :'(

and summer.

you'll always be my thunder,

a part of me died.

all those photos, so much memories, so many moments shared, and we are no longer part of it anymore :(

do you?

you still remember me?
or have you forgotten?

think about it.

the only way society move forward is by feeding on the good people.
the ones at the helm are the devils.

look in the mirror long enough.

does one becomes a hypocrite when at peace with two forces that are on opposing ends?

happy illusions.

"booey!"
i called you.
you looked back at me, smiling.
so mesmerising, so beautiful.
it was the sweetest dream ever.

still here, still waiting.

reaching a full round.
booey, my 2016 birthday celebration you promised isn't coming at all, or is it?
:(

it will be the deepest one yet.

the darkest of hearts are not those who begin with one, but rather those with a pure hearts stained by the actions of the wicked.

rotten inside.

the one who greeted was not one with warm smiles and gleaming eyes.
i saw it.

just like that.

people are designed so conveniently.

what is true solitude?

how do i cut the strings?
how free would i be?

missed you even more...

dreams just have to feel so real it fuck you up real good when you wake up to reality.

fade fade fade.

in the past when i lost a battle, there are still things to smile about.
today was different. i tried too hard and while its still a victory, there is nothing to look forward to.

wonders.

what if i take the wrong poison?
how will it turn out?
how deep the rabbit hole will be?

the wrong nerve.

a filling void that harvest the darkest thoughts ever.
contemplating many acts of disasters.

smile, but evil at heart.

it is still dark.
my eyes still see the worst.

wait for the knock.

i still give a fuck.
people like me take the full brunt.
our heart is too kind so people trample on them.
our trust is given wholeheartedly so people abuse them.
right now i desire for nothing more than bad karma.

keep trying.

rainy nights did much worse to the already crushed heart.

i'll just keep drowning.

perhaps the truth is at the bottom.

my muse, my magic.

if i open the next door, will it be you?

will i be able to do so?

how do i make peace with myself?

last christmas together.

remember how competitive you were in decorating your office 2 christmas ago?
we went crazy in folding papers for the christmas tree.
whose idea was it?

there was so much stress.
but we were together.
that was all that mattered.

that was all that mattered...

burning bright.

this is how its like to be broken.
a pain as intense as love.
one cannot exist without the other.

sick.

this is the part you will force me to drink that nasty herbal tea.
and you will laugh at how i struggle.

fucking songs :(

still crying like fuck.

asleep or awake.

never. ending. pain.

all alone.

felt more alive.
closer to the madness.
had too much, nauseous.
verge of throwing up.

this is the part you should tell me:
boo, its enough. this is enough.

because you're my sanity.
but you're not here.

the beautiful smile.

i miss how you sleep with your head on my thighs.
i'll be watching a chinese TV show all by myself.
but thats okay.
even if you were asleep, you were there.
i'll just have to wait for you to wake up with a smile.

wasting words.

all those written words.
strange, how people believe in love.
once gone, where do they go?

just maybe.

perhaps if i exert myself and take in lots of physical damage, maybe, just maybe, i could temporarily lessen the pain in my heart.

still not feeling alive.

it got heavy.
i have to do it alone.
no one has to suffer for me.

unlike the many.

there are those who sees the other side of things.

the darkness before the light.

they understand life more than others will.

because they give a shit about things that matters.

they don't just do things for themselves.

unlike the many.

dark deliverance.

the willingness to be consumed by the depths of desperation.

dumbest man in the universe.

i probably leave this world still believing your words.
still believing you even after all the damage you have done.
i could be the most dumbest man in the universe.
perhaps i truly am.

regardless.

it hurts so much,
but i still do.

still missing you.

hear your songs on the radio and it never fails to crush this heart...

deeper into nothingness.

this is it.
this is the punishment i deserve.
this is what it feels like to be the one left stranded.
this is the path i seek.

a year older, booey.

Happy Birthday, Boo.

always.

seek in darkness.
left upon light.

dementors in the heart.

i see people in their darkest way possible.

that, will keep me on the edge.

been some time.

looked around and picked things up.
in such a place, she expected i'm getting those for you.
but close to the end, i placed everything back.
and she was in tears, wondering why.
i didn't feel the need to explain.
didn't even face her.
i just left.

rainy stars.

you're like stars on a rainy night.
i cannot see you, but i know you're there.

eyes shut wide open.

whispers in the dark.

frustration.

i still feel you in my heart...

torn into a million pieces.

its just 8 more days to your birthday,
but you have not fulfill what you said that day.

you told me you would not forget,
how long has it been since we last met.

perhaps that too was another lie you created,
the foolish me bought it and eventually waited.

my muse.

how much deception can you take?
how many lies will you create?

looking for you.

wherever i go, you're the ghost in the room.

dark corners.

a new world is needed where sufferers get their pain lifted,
and for the antagonists to bear that weight.

those who think a peaceful world is possible are people living in the comfort of their space,
turning a blind eye on all the dark corners of life.

super massive.

how long before you tell the truth?

like a black hole.

they say that i have changed.
what?

true that i do, but it does not cause hurt to others.
but you?

you changed.
and you ravaged my universe in the process.

just someone.

feeling useless again.
being too kind to people.
being too good to people.
at the end of the day i'm just someone.
how do you start to not care?

all is wrong.

the world needs a reset.
too many of those who are ignorant, selfish, greedy.
including those who caused pain and harm.
all these to fuel their desires.

running thoughts.

not a single moment of time my mind was not occupied.

numb breaking points.

every day and every night, my heartbeat desires to hear yours.
every moment in time, my mind explodes into millions of pieces.
this is how much you have made an impact in my life.
you were my universe and still are.
i no longer know how to carry on.

...

i still cry. wtf.

emotional baggage.

where is yours?

always missing you.

why did you take me on the most unforgettable journey...
then leave me behind in the most painful memory...?

never fading.

after all this time?

always.

stars & memories.

the empty night sky.
only nothingness to the eyes.
but plenty to the heart.

cold grounds.

dear booey...

what am i feeling right now? :(

white lie.

its still a lie.

bide time.

justice does not always shine under the light.
often times it creeps from the shadows.

necessary judgement.

you have to see everyone differently.
you have to imagine the devils that reside within.

tipping the balance.

there is darkness in my heart.
and it begs to stay.

eternal happiness.

the only way humans can be truly happy is having a perfect little world to themselves.
one for each. sharing won't do.

end times.

i remember how you were always afraid of the end of the world.
especially one where it ends with a zombie apocalypse.
once you asked what if you got bitten.
i told you i would stay with you.
i will.

till i die?

"Because you've been given a highly attuned sense of empathy. Fucking blessing and burden at the same time".

Fuckthisshit.

it was everything.

To love is nothing.
To be loved is something.
But to love and to be loved by the one you love,
That is everything.

:(

time is poison.

there is only pain left.

pain and more pain.

how do i heal?

time will tell.

but in reality,

time is poison.

as moments pass,

death creeps in.

slowly but surely,

deep into the heart.

failing concept of life.

this is the wrong way.

it will always be as long emotions are involved.

as long humans live.

whats between believe and hope?

people are nice until they are not.
words are enough to destroy worlds.

~

:'(

unwanted nights.

that lonely feeling after an evening movie ended.
just walking out and wandering under the night sky.
thinking about the times when we were together.
and how could all of it just disappear.
why does it have to be like this?
i still don't understand.

washed off.

how can people say there is hope with so much ease.
thats an easy way out.
its a picture you paint on a canvas with no certainty it will stay.

a night to remember.

cold days reminds me of us in Taiwan's mountain.

it was cold and dark.

but we huddled together and keep each other warm.

then we went to see the stars.

it was a beautiful night.

your hands in mine.

remember how we awkwardly tried to hold hands?
i didn't know how to hold them.
you too.

but we eventually did for many years to come.

we held together on walks.
pulled each other up from falls.
gripped tight watching scary scenes.
orbit one another on ice skating rinks.
and the list goes on.

oh booey, i miss you too much.
:'(

hard to understand.

the hole in my heart still yearns for you.

i miss you again and again and again...

just the same.

 I saw him the other day. His arms around another girl, his eyes when met with mine - were slow in their recognition. I wonder if he remembers what I once told him.

I will love you forever.

He had smiled at me sadly before giving his reply.

But I am so afraid you may one day stop.

Now all these years later, I am the one who is afraid. Because I love him, I still do. I haven't stopped. I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.

- Lang Leav

cheating death.

down we fall. darkness in all. through hell.

painfully dark.

the desire to hurt people, who inflicted pain to others, continues to grow.

end of all days.

how long has it been since?
how long has it been that my heart still beats for you?

it still does.

the pyres.

destruction is the game played.

S.T.A.Y.

remember when we watched zombie shows?
you asked me if i would stay with you if you were bitten.
i told you i would stay.
i would stay.

lost my way.

heart filled with the emptiness of space.
sometimes i hear echoes of your sweet voice.
they create more sparks of insanity that kills.
but i needed that.
i need to remember.

looking at the stars.

everytime i look at the night sky, it reminds me of us spending the night on the mountain of Taiwan.
you wanted to take a shot of the stars using the DSLR but it doesn't seem to turn out well.
so you whipped out your smartphone instead 😂
one of the cutest moments of you, ever.
loved you so much.

hurricane.

as days go by, the night's on fire.

implode.

when you have all the pain and loneliness in your heart but you are afraid to disturb the happiness of others.

vanish.

if i die, would you care?

miss you, booey.

i couldn't get it out of me.
its still there.
leeched on perhaps for eternity.
the memory.
the good.
the bad.
the ugly.

and no matter how deep this hell you have thrown me into, i still miss you.
i dont why the fuck.
don't ask me why.
i'm going crazy.

i miss you, booey.

stupidity.

a kind heart never loses its love even when broken.

never bat an eye.

you left my soul to bleed dry.

close to you.

a dream dies when you wakes up.

i need to not wake up.

so i can see you again.

dispirited.

surge of pain, sadness & anger lingers.
it is difficult when people ignore the source.
you are unable to fully bridge your thoughts.
just keeping them hidden.
let them feed on the failing heart.
on whatever that is left, if any.

madness in the night's stage.

when the dream plays the beautiful record, you just want to continue sleeping.
when it ends, it feels like the whole world crumbles.
All. Over. Again.

both eyes closed.

i was a very cautious person.
there were always safety nets in everything i am about to do or would be doing.
while i know things doesn't always go as planned, i made sure its as less risky as possible.
more often that not i tend to overpack myself.
not just for me but others too.
i am well prep-ed.

but when i started to be with you, i stopped.
i knew the risks.
i knew the tough road.
you knew it too.
our love was magical.
i no longer thought of fixing that safety net.
i just want to jump with you.
into whatever.
anywhere, anyhow.
i no longer look behind me.
i never doubted us.
never doubted you.
never doubted our love.
we were going to make it.
together.

we held each other's hands.
stood at the edge.
close our eyes.
and jump.

except that i'm the only one who did.
you were still up on the edge with one eye open.
and me.
i fell.
alone.
into the abyss.
and there was no safety net there to catch me.

i ask my girl.

it was the first weekend.
everyone is still trying to settle in.
the timing, the rules, the isolation.
i didn't thought i would make it through.
bet no one really did.

we were sitting on the floor.
heard we're going to learn how to sing.
but its not any ordinary song.
its marching songs.
the one made between point A and B.

some of them already knew them.
others like me don't.
the songs weren't entirely awful.
but its not that beautiful either.
like it or not, this will happen.

one song particularly tug my heartstrings.
not because it has emotional lyrics.
but it reminds me of you.
not to mention i already was.
you were in my head through the days.

I Ask My Girl.

that was the song.
we had more or less started dating.
so the first bunch of lines were relatable.
at some point it got depressing.
one for the fact that i am still in confinement.
two for missing out the early fire in love.

i memorised the lyrics.
sometimes i utter them under my breath.
while taking the rushed showers.
or carrying out punishments.
but mostly on bed before i sleep.
and before our precious night calls.

strange as it may seem but it is what it is.
the song, me, you, we, us.
somehow during those times they gel.
you were my strength.
my light of hope.
one and only, boo.

rue.

would you kill to save a life?

did you forget?

did you forget i was even alive?

bang bang.

you shot me down.

breaking down.

its the brightest when it was distracted.
its the darkest during all others.

ugly monsters.

people are no longer people.
they are just monsters waiting to crawl out from within.
selfish, greedy, ugly.
they give you a smile for one moment and the next they eat you.
if they befriend you, its because you are their stepping stone.
they need you to achieve more for themselves.
you are a fool to believe.
but you will, eventually.
once you realise, it is over.
there is no time for you to react.
even if you can, you wouldn't know what to do.
you wouldn't expect it anyway.
its a shock.
so don't trust people.
they can fail you.
and they will.

:(

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much i love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

may all your souls burn.

"to know what is right and choose to ignore it is the act of a coward."
one day all of you will taste the searing pain just the same.
i hope you smile.

FUCCCCCKKKKK!

when you have someone who loves you so deeply but you throw that away.
just because you felt that you grew up.
you forgot how much we've been through and how far we've come, together.
those are the precious moments i will never give away.
but you did.
why would you care.
as long you get what you wanted, it feels alright.
it feels okay.
fuck this shit.
you don't care at all.
fuckfuckfuck!

only an empty vessel.

no matter how many deaths i die, i will never forget.

suffering exists.

humans tend to forget those they hurt in their pursuit of happiness.

no shit.

how can love heals when it is just another possibility of being a fucking menace?

it does not help.

waking up to a world without you.

do you really love me?

burn, let it all burn.

hesitant.

i can no longer use those words.
they felt... sacred.
no more.

i had believed in magic.

that room no longer has a door nor windows.
not that it matters, its dark inside out.
its filled with many things but feels empty.
only dust be its companion as it blankets all.
i still sit here, breathing but soulless.
living in dead moments.
it has been long since the magic died.

pulling gravity.

days when i'm in green, we always talked at night.
your voice was the most comforting to listen after a hard day.
it gave me assurance i could make it through another.
but now it is the voice that breaks me, haunts me.
no matter where or when i will eventually hear it.
sometimes i feel warmth, putting a little smile in my heart.
sometimes cold and i'd wrap myself in my own arms.
worst of times bring me to a shiver, wake me from sleep.
painful as these may seem but they are still incomparable.

no half measures.

looked at everyone just the same.
potential deceivers, carrying ill intent.

inevitable disease.

half of the world's problem is people lying to each other.
selfish kinds who only think for themselves.

slowly killing from the inside.

silence like a cancer grows.

frozen in time.

still felt the warmth.
but not enough to tide the cold.

do you believe in the Devil?

it walks among us.

met.

it happened again.
the heart got restless.
breathing went out of control.
stupid, real stupid.

feed.

hello darkness, my old friend.
i've come to talk with you again.

dream forever.

dreamt again.
you were wearing our ring.
holding my hands.
smiling just like before.
i wish not to wake up.

in my universe.

i had truly believed in the magic.
& for that, i paid the heaviest price and still am.
the world does not end with a bang.
it ends in a whisper.
one that echoes through forever.

all is hell.

the most evil of demons reside in those who wear innocent masks.

saviour or savage?

i wore my heart on my sleeve. you played with it. toyed with my feelings. and flee the crime scene.

bleed, but don't die.

may all who partake in this one day receive their absolute share of my iron maiden.

complex beings.

the reality of life is that it is a depressing process that you have no control of.

planned tragedy.

look me in the eye.
& tell me its the truth.

patiently waiting.

its way past mid year.
and my life is still stuck in 2015.
sigh.

your smile :(

dreamt of you again.
sigh.

undying.

no matter how many deaths i die, i will never forget.

innocent love.

plugged in external hard drive to find old photos of classmates.
ended up looking at our photos.
died inside.
:(

inextinguishable.

the fire still burns.
every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week,
since that day.
and it will continue burning through eternity.

which?

so, tell me where shall i go?
to the left, where nothing's right?
or to the right, where nothing's left?

not a moment goes by.

painful.
i kept waking up to the same thing.

depth.

you don't know how much i truly miss you...

out & cold.

i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel. i cannot feel.

helpless.

depressed, angry, disappointed, melancholic, tired.
so much shit in thoughts i cannot think of anything.
only lying on the floor of my room.
thinking perhaps all these are just nightmares.
and i would wake up.
or my heart stops and i go to a better place.

die in dreams.

you kept coming into my dreams.
all is still beautiful.
much more than reality.

it comes back.

am i just a shadow you drew?

prisoner with no parole.

she'll answer him like he is the one.
his arms outstretched.
but when she's done, he'll be torn apart.

deep & meaningless.

staring into space and wondering why.
what is this that i have to bear with all my heart?

keep counting.

there is no shame.
erosions of self-respect & dignity.
all but seen with blind eyes.
for vessel of earthly needs.

infinite.

i will be the stardust to forever float in the dark universe.

and not because of anything else.

"boo, if we ever separate let it be because we fight".

these were the words from your mouth.

in my head, over and over again.

you kept saying how you loved me for trusting you wholeheartedly.
see now the damage you have done to me without the slightest bit of regret.
see now the damage i have done to myself for believing in you.

but its different.

foul play.

this is not the end.

this is not the beginning.

not even a reason.

ever ran out of options and find yourself an excuse?
well yeah, an excuse.

no closure.

this is the way you left me.

no hope, no love, no glory.
no happy ending.

swept under the rug.

to you this means nothing.

tonight.

i thought we are going to fight together.
go through the pain together.
go through the joy together.

i thought we are going to make it.
i thought we can truly say,
together we're invincible.

zero control.

madness seeping in through.

lost lost lost.

where will all those memories go?
:(

throw the dice.

i'm just part of the plan.
you did not care about the execution.
only on the outcome.

100 100 100 100.

when you are living in a dark universe, even the brightest light barely touch the surface.
left to wither and die in the icy core of your heart.

a schrödinger's cat.

in a state of neither alive nor dead.
that is what you put me through.
and you are capable of that.
because your feelings are more important.
right?

the undeserving.

humans can never achieve peace.
that is a given.
it needs to be forced upon them.
without them knowing.
or unless necessary evil exist.
an external force.
one that has no end.
in the hope people can work together.
true peace is a far cry.
a made up one is good enough.
to end all suffering.
all the bloodshed, the anger.
and the heartbroken.
but perhaps before all this.
a judgement should be passed.
instant karma to those who have wronged.
to those who lied, deceived, hurt.
they should know the pain they caused.
to another human being.
someone with feelings just like them.
what's more one who truly loved and cared.
their heart should bleed the same.
their soul should break the same.
after all is done, let there be peace.
an eternal one.

strange & fuzzy.

i remembered our taiwan trip together.
it was a lovely trip, just us together.
all these memories.
why? :(

silhouettes.

i could not try.
i let it all play on me.
you are still in my heart.
:(

washed away.

madness taking control.

a black hole.

i miss the warmth of your love.
the stars are not shining anymore in my universe.
:(

bus rides.

i always liked how you would stand together with me even if there is still an empty seat.
we would only sit if there are seats for both of us.

toy.

you played with us.
& when you are done or found a better one,
you chuck us aside.

did you forget we have feelings?
perhaps you do not.
you only care about your own.

after all, humans are natural at being selfish.

now let the wind take my soul.

i sit here and wait.
not knowing what i am waiting for.
but it feels like the only thing i would do.

unbecoming.

do you know how empty and devastated i still am?
:'(

just as deep.

i wonder if you truly ever loved me at all.
or is it you just needed that companionship.

the sudden change begs for this one hell of a thought.
starting to lose sleep again.

the trade.

would you give up your happiness so others can be happy?
are you capable of such an exchange?

think... think... THINK!

dark corners.

all i see now are troubles.
no matter where the sun shines.
no matter the rainbows & butterflies.
i only see troubles.

just like the sun.

it was cold.
not the weather, or the office.
but rather cold from within me.
do you recall me saying that?
because i was too shocked.
my brain could not register.
my heart still could not accept.
it was beating very fast.

you called and i hear your voice.
i was in a daze.
thinking about everything.
trying to but just could not.
impossible, impossible.
my body shook.
was feeling rather numb.
what is going to happen next?

i can never forget that day.
truth or not, it happened.
never once i imagined.
i wanted to cry so much.
but you already were.
it will just make it worse.
those tears fall since then.
its still you, day in and out.

buried.

you made me believe in everything.
now i have come to believe in nothing.

staring at the ceiling.

how do i do?

necessary evil.

if one gave up his/her happiness for another in the hope that the other party will be happy, knowing full well that it would not come to be, is it right to call it an extremely selfish move?

unfinished.

it asked, and i answered.
the nails on the coffin are half hammered.

love & lost.

the ones who lose are those who cared too much.
they say one should love more than the other.
that is what i did & that is how i fail.

how to live.

honestly, ask yourself.

mind is fucked.

you know who loses?
the one who gave the best he could to you.
and all you say is sorry tagged with lies.

overwhelming.

too much in my head.
staring at the ceiling thinking about you.
the things we did together.
and things we did not.

how painful it is to remember these.
i was desperately hoping it was just a phase.
but it did not happen to be.
you tore my heart to pieces.

i was helpless knowing it.
its sadness beyond measure.
its pain like never before.
all i am was nothing.

almost half a year passed.
and my heart is still lost.
if there is any hope left in this world.
i hope it does not find me.

hide behind silence.

to see a person's true nature, get them cornered.
throw in all their faults and let them feel they have nothing to lose.
from the way they respond, you will have your answer.

"to see the right and not do it is cowardice".

a virtue.

i will wait, and wait, and wait.

another world.

i want to believe there is an alternate universe.
perhaps one where i am the one who chose for us to walk different paths.
that i am the one who caused hurt.
i would rather be the evil that breaks the bond.
i want to be the bad person.
not you.
i do not want you to be seen as one.
you were this innocent, beautiful girl in my life.
i want to remember you that way.

or rather another universe.
one where we both live our lives together happily.
one where we could wake up in the morning and just stare into each other's eyes.
gazing far beyond into each other's worlds.
realising we are the world for one another.

i want to believe.

wee hours.

remember those late nights when i accompany you through your studies with Skype?
waking up the next morning like a zombie was nothing compared to seeing you smile a little here and there when you're mugging.

a matter of when.

either of the toxic will kill.
just a matter of time.

steep.

loneliness kills.
where are you?

deceit.

the same to mouth that whispers words of love has become one which utter words of treachery.

digging deeper.

ordering food online and your address is on most of them.
do you remember how i accidentally ordered pasta and they went to your place?
you thought it was for you but there were two meals.
hilarious moment.
i miss those times.
i miss how we would cuddle together by the couch and have our meals.
miss more on the home cooked food you whipped up.
and the one i will truly never forget is your rainbow cake.
oh how much i was surprised.
you put in so much effort.
there was so much love.
what happened.
:(

absence of judgement.

too kind to hurt.
too foolish to know.

still thinking.

my birthday celebration that you promised.
is it gone forever?
you did not mean it when you said it?
why would you do this?
the man who share so much of his life and love with you.
leave him in the most shittiest way?
you are able to just continue life like that?
our love did not mean anything at all?
he thought about you every day and night.
always distracted.
this madness did not justify the love he has for you.

spontaneous.

hurting inside every fucking day.

did you not think of me?

you knew what you were doing.
you knew what you were breaking.

everlasting.

stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime - Mineko Iwasaki.

feigned ignorance.

to reach this level, a situation that didn't cross my mind even in a million years.

human's tendency.

if one is capable of doing it, it could happen again.

bleed dry.

the worse part of living is when your heart has already died.

i mean it.

i'm not okay.

unforgivable.

so there exist people who would utilize another to assist in the breaking of bonds with the people who love them.

i can't.

那 样 的 回 忆 那 麽 足 够 足 够 我 天 天 都 品 嚐 着 寂 寞.

staring at the starry night.

boo, i'm still missing you.

the empty universe.

had a talk with a friend and the topic about commuting long distances came up.
it reminds me of during my National Service days where we would get 'nights out'.
i remember how excited i was whenever we get those.
would contact you straight away and arrange for a meetup.
its only about 3 to 4 hours but we do make it happen.
even if the travelling takes about an hour's time.
meeting halfway - me from the west and you from central.
amazing how the desire to see the one you love makes you do anything.
anything at all to be able to hold their hand and gaze into their starry eyes.
they became your world, one which you would not hesitate to sacrifice for.

what about me?

you no longer have feelings?

think think.

would you kill an innocent, complete stranger to save the person you love the most?

tumblr.

our tumblr is 2 years old now.
i remember how i started it.
i was so happy to build a place where we can post our memories.
most importantly it was created to surprise you.
in conjunction with your 24th birthday and our 4 years of togetherness at that time.
but now it is just laid barren.
:'(

vermin.

what makes you think you made a great sacrifice?
how could you believe that what you did was right?
it was never right when you're the only one wielding the sword.
no, that is also wrong.
it was never right when the other person never, ever, in his mind feels the need to even have one.
and you took advantage of that.
you took advantage of him.
you exploited the situation.
such inexplicable acts.

goals.

in order to achieve their goals, some people are willing to do whatever it takes.
stepping on people, lying, hurting others' feelings.
the process where people get pushed aside does not matter.
the only process they see is them working hard and striving for their goals.
unfortunately, however, this is the human world.
life is not meant to be fair, right?

3 faces.

each person has 3 faces.
the first face, you show to the world.
the second face, you show to the people close to you.
the third face, you show to no one.

that face is the truest reflection of who you are.

FILTH! no lesser than that.

manusya-gati.

human beings have always been the problem to many things in this world.
they are driven by their selfish basic needs to survive.
strong desires are capable of overwriting emotional bonds.
from birth to death, each and every bit of their actions affect this world.
much more on the negative side than the positive.
these could not be seen or felt by them because they are ignorant.
or perhaps simply do not care, to put it bluntly.
as long as there are human beings, there can never be true peace.
well actually if their emotions can be killed, it could be possible.
it would be a world of robots, a pointless world.
however it would be one where there would be no suffering.
no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no desperation, no pain.
and if there is even a tiny bit of that, i seek it.
you ordinary people will never truly understand this.

injection.

this is the kind of world you live in with your twisted, wicked mind.
live long. live long enough to suffer every single bit of bitterness that life has to offer.
cower in the corner of your heart, one filled with blackness, where the devil resides.
cry and beg and pray as all hope escapes and abandons you in your sin.
shiver in coldness on the inside & burn from the heat outside.
this is the path you took.
this is the life you will lead.
this is your injection.

the words i speak of.

the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

have you seen yourself?

where is your dignity?

slow death.

our lives are measured in years.
well that is true, it is only half true.
actually our lives are truly measured by moments.
it is the seconds in which we make decisions and act.
the outcome of which paves the way in front of us.
these are what we, more often than not, overlook.
the moments are precious and also dangerous.
it can build, or break you.
but you could also BUILD OR BREAK OTHERS!
and so you did.
you broke what was shared by two lovers.
your mind, twisted.
your dignity, none.

tender loving care.

those little letters you snuck in together with the food you made for me.
do you know how happy i am to receive those?
it turns the darkest of storms to a bright sunny day.

your heart decay.

the apple of your eye,
the rotten core inside.

we don't need eyes.

you are the mastermind.

the white, the black, the red.

you've played your game well, bastard.
it will on this very plane on which i suffer where you will find no peace.
may your heart be filled with discomfort, just as how i am.

always denying.

maybe sometimes people did not actually change.
maybe you just never knew who they really were.

keep it up!

you are a fucking coward!

the very opposite.

you would expect someone with a higher EQ to be able to handle this well.
but from what i can see and experience for myself, these people don't.
they break on the inside much more than what you can ever imagine.
your puny mind is incapable of registering these level of emotions.
so when people tell me how good i am to have a high EQ, i tell them no.
i wish i was not born with one because we will be the sufferers of life.
a world where the antagonist feel the exact pain inflicted on the protagonist, instantly.
that is a world i so much desire.
an eye, for an eye.

say hello.

back to places where my heart squeezed itself to hide.
from pain, anger, disappointment, sadness.
above all, despair.

still air.

hope you have been visiting your parents.
i was just thinking about them.
especially your mum.

may they be in the pink of health.
and you too.




damn.

10th? 11th pack?

i lost count.

help me answer.

is this how it is like to be a human being?
you have to have feelings?
to feel happy, sad, angry, disappointed...?
why must we have feelings?
is it important?
why must we feel sad when others steal us of our happiness?
is it a choice to stay sad?
why must others not care about us when we care about them?
what if the next time we chase happiness and it happens again?
is this how life is about?
a cycle of uncertainties?
who are those people who said all this will pass?
are there people who leave this world never knowing happiness?
when i was 7 i kept thinking why am i in this body.
why am i breathing from in here.
why am i not an animal, a plant?
do they have feelings?
even if they do, would the capacity of emotions the same as a human?
can i reduce mine?
is it necessary to even have?
the world is cruel, life is unfair.
never compare one's life with a more unfortunate one.
each heart takes in pain differently.
only an idiot feels otherwise.

liar, liar, pants on fire.

you said 'i love you' to me,
when your tongue held other stories.

最重要的小事.

:(

so much misses.

this horrible feeling when i recall how we were together at this point of time and place.

false awakening.

sometimes i'm not sure if my eyes are open or closed.
i see the same thing - just blackness.

and then there are times i'm not sure if i am awake or dreaming.
everything feels real and i wonder which is more painful.

rough & tough.

i'm doing it alone.

dissolution.

let all these mirrors my torment.

you greyed it out.

i will do the best in the worst way possible.

familiar paths evoke.

i remember how you would lie on my lap and sleep.
oh how sweet you looked.
i would gaze at you from time to time and smile to myself.
feeling happy at how fortunate i was to have you.
do you remember?
because everytime you wake up, the light was too bright.
i would cup my hands on your eyes and you would smile.

fuckedup.

all the lights are out.

inside a place where even moonlight doesn't reach.

kill switch.

it kicks in and everything's a blur.
what difference does it make?
what am i suppose to feel now?

vision of selfish desires.

if you want to know who you are, you have to look at your real self and acknowledge what you see.

the lowest form of life.

yet another one of those cruel scene played while asleep.
you cheated yourself out of true loyalty.

for life is everything.

For those who possess, they were willing to abandon.
For those who seek, they were willing to kill.

does it even die?

when love dies, does it perish forever?
or does it turn into a ghost that haunts you every moment of every day?

another moment, another eternity.

FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTYOUPIECEOFSHIT!

stinking lies.

you know the thing about words.
they can be arranged nicely to even mask a corpse as a living soul.
and you can't smell that filthy, rotting stench.
not until the one who spoke, left.

what is ok?

if i may so ask again.
how do you sleep at night?

like you know, even way before, when you already knew.
and you have the plans in your head.

do you just sleep normally?
you could accept it? the things you are about to do?

the true colour of your nature?
when everyone else thinks of you otherwise?

i still cannot believe.
i was still blind.

i fucking stood up for your name even when it is you who created the mess!
stupid, thats what i was.

cruel world.

beneath the skin of your soul.

we weren't invincible.

as much as we wish we could be.

it could have been simpler.

but you did not make it that way.

you look into my eyes and still smile.

when your heart was already rotting.

you could bear to do that.

but i could not, and i never will.

jammed.

i wonder if the very reason this happened is the real deal.
or perhaps it is just a camouflage for a disgusting act that's been cooked for a while.

logically illogical.

the world is a really funny place.
why do we have to go through pain?
actually we don't have to.
but reality disagrees.

messed up dream.

the thoughts in my mind crafted it as perfectly horrible as i could have imagined.

most comforting.

a really tough day.
if only you were still here.
how'd you say that everything's gonna be alright.
your smile makes all my worries perish.

companionship.

the people you laugh and had fun with may not be the people who would be by your side when you need them most.

when i still put eyeliner.

do you know i still have our neoprint photos from like 5 years ago?
it is still in my wallet. the wallets have changed but the photos always have a space in it.
:(

plenty of stops.

keep on walking.
as much as this leg can bring, this heart can carry, this mind can take.

how is the view?

you are blinded so tightly.

lie, to yourself.

if you want to know who you are, you have to look at your real self and acknowledge what you see.

my early January.

still fucking waiting.
wait until i die.

diagnosis.

pretty much dead already.
ceased to exist.

nothing. at. all.

big freeze.

it is coming.

zeitgeist.

when we are given more than enough, we want more.
this growing insatiable hunger turns us into selfish and arrogant monsters.
we look at things as the way they are without seeing from a different point of view.
demands it to be the way we like it or if not, we get people to despise it too.
everything is about us, like we are the only important thing in this world.
this twisted society now will only plant more seeds of tunnel vision.
regardless of how happiness triumph, sorrow will always have a bite at your soul.

silent screams & shivers.

it was a path i once took many times.
i peeked to see if i would see even a glimpse.
but then i wondered what if we did.

black holes & revelations.

all the souls that would die just to feel alive.

how the world works.

if we are honest & don't talk much, people will step on us.

the drive.

i clearly remembered the day i was digging the shellscrape.
it was the 4th day of field camp during my BMT.
it was our early times together.

when night came, i kept thinking about you.
every inch of my body is screaming in agony.
but i could still smile at the thought of you.

you were there every step of the way.
you were my motivation during those hard times.
feeling melancholic now.

:'(

at zero.

perhaps if we as human beings do not have materials in which we have to compete for, the world would be a better place, though not much but definitely, better.

unexpected reality.

today another fine example of human greed and selfishness.

i am lost.

i am the darkness that wakes up everytime the sun kissed the horizon.
i am the light that burns when the night meets its end.

what is real?

this world is disturbing, interrupting, noisy and cacophonous...

you do it yourself.

now i see things i once cannot.
its ugly, really.
we do not hesitate at all when others need help.
but when we need that helping hand, its not there.
if there is anything i learn in life, there's one important one.

"never expect help. always be prepared to face the world alone for even the closest person to you might abandon you".

hideous.

what is the true colour of your nature?

still hurts.

just like the day we parted.

you cried so much.

i wonder if those are real.

after knowing you kept secrets.

wound forever fresh.

we are our own disease.

"There are no secrets about the world of nature. There are secrets about the thoughts and intentions of men".

at its weakest.

nights like these i have to get myself tired to be able to fall asleep.
even if so, i wonder if i would still dream of you.

nothing. i want to feel nothing.

a blinded heart.

even at that point when i'm at my most broken state, i still defended you.
everyone still cannot believe me.
and so was i, myself.

the lucifer effect.

why good people turned evil?

#19.

as i was pulling out the lighter from my bag's pocket, i could not help but to take out my ring. or rather my part of our couple ring. it has been sitting in there since the day we parted. well not exactly. the time when we met for a movie just a week later, i still wore it.

when i met up with you i eyed on your finger to see if you still wore yours. but you didn't. so i removed it quickly into my pant's pocket. at that moment i felt stupid and greatly heartbroken. i am not sure why but i kept thinking that we could come back together. at that point of time the secrets were still kept hidden. i was very happy that day mainly because we were going to watch a movie together. it was a disaster for me.

it is hard to not be a couple when you already once were. after that day my heart sank into the dark abyss. i hurt myself for even thinking there could be a chance for us. i paid the price. and i still am.

hypocrisy of the heart.

you are still the first thought in the morning.
and the last at night.

fuckthisshit.

it crawls into your skin.

do right and you do not have to fear anything.
do wrong and you will go into hiding, fearing everything.

murderer of many things.

may the light in your eyes shut and all that spreads in your heart is the poison you used against me.

in such an already cruel world we live in, it is people like you who deserves to die so others can enjoy peace.

hypothalamus.

its that same feeling.
just like stars on a rainy night.
you can't see them.
but you know they are there.

burn. just fucking burn.

monster.

how dark?

you left all the doors and windows shut.

i had to break my way out the hard way.

can you sleep peacefully at night?

i bet you can.

seizure.

the saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from enemies.
it comes from people you trust and put your faith in.

loop.

i trapped myself.
i need help.

into the sun.

we were taught to be grateful to everything in our lives.
no matter how bad the situation is, it is deemed to be a blessing in disguise.
i am not certain how many people out there are grateful everyday in their lives.
this society we live in always leave little room for such realisation.
for this life i lead i always do my best to see things under positive light.
before i vent my frustration i would pause and think through.
then just take a deep breath and smile as things are not bad as it seems to be.

however this act of always being grateful can become detrimental to the mind.
especially when you are so far high up in this level of optimism.
should you fall, you dont just crash.
you crash and you burn.
the fire will lit up for a long, long time.
it burns through all of the good of you.

clouded judgement.

the dust isn't settling.
it's still dark.

more.

i can only run so much.
till the point of asphyxiation.
but it was still not enough.
i still couldn't get it out.

don't count on me.

i'm losing sight.

yin & yang.

it is always about being fair.
at least that what it means to me from when i was young.

growing up, i always make sure the people behind me don't get any lesser than what i got.
it can be from taking lesser food so that the rest can enjoy.
or taking the less pleasing item.
or walking the extra mile.
or waiting an extra hour.

in other words, i don't mind sacrificing so others can be happy.
i believe that it was fair in my eyes and it is normal for me.

then i got older and realise there can never be fairness in the world.
no one appreciates you when you do good.
but you will get the attention when you did something bad.

i always try to see the good in people no matter what the circumstances.
feeding myself with reasons that could have resulted in their actions.
there is always good in people.

then the girl i dearly love broke my trust.

i went psychotic.
everything that i had believed in just crumbled.
its as if i had lived in a fantasy where everyone could have a happy life all along.
and reality gave me a hard wake-up slap.

this is the cruel world we live in.
nothing is fair.

die trying.

one of the hardest tasks for the human mind is convincing yourself that you no longer care.

trying times.

30 seconds then.
30 seconds now.

lost space & sanity.

coming home to dinner almost everyday after work.
no longer i would take the bus to Toa Payoh interchange and meet you there for dinner.
or even to Novena, or Fareast Plaza, or town... anywhere.
even at times straight to your aunt's place where we would order delivery.
sometimes you became the chef and cook up meals for me.
other days might just call for instant noodles.
no matter what it is, it was love.
so, so much love.

but now i felt so empty.
after work i felt like there is no place to go.
not that i do not appreciate home.
just that a part of my life which had been ongoing is gone.
i hang out with friends, picked up photography, walked alone at night in parts of Singapore.
still lost.

i couldn't think straight but i am for sure thinking about you.
and i really miss you so much.
its so fucking bad that i am becoming confused.
all these emotions are just sitting in my head and fighting one another.
like how it is now as i typed this entry.
not even knowing what i'm doing anymore.
what is this feeling supposed to be?

we all matter.

"... maybe less then alot but always more then none".

sear.

you could look me in the eye with hidden intentions.
that look still haunt me.

mess of me.

it is harder now to fight by myself.

beautiful & deadly.

love doesn't start in the morning & doesn't end in the evening.
it starts when you don't need it & ends when you need it most.

not even once.

you never looked back, at all.

vaporized.

i had wanted us to go for a karaoke session.

you love to sing.

so i looked up a couple of Mayday songs lyrics in hanyu pinyin.

some words are easy while others arent.

i suppose there would only be chinese lyrics on screen.

figured that it would be best if i write down the hanyu pinyin lyrics.

but i did not expect things to end up like this.

after so long, we did not even sing together.

no words can express what i'm feeling now...

too blind.

when everyone else was speaking against you,
i still defended.

i always had wanted to believe the good in you,
but i only fell harder.

tell me i am stupid.

when is enough?

if i see long enough
if i hear long enough
if i speak long enough
then perhaps, it will end.

heart racing.

another dream
it was beautiful
you and me again
only to wake up

:(

how do I believe?

a million little pieces.

love. hope. faith.

cruel.

last night i dreamt about you again.
still cannot stop thinking how you had betrayed my trust.
of all people, you.

is there no sense of guilt at all in you?
you're not even going to talk?
so our conversation hangs...

end of all days.

some people deserve to die.
their existence in this world are not needed.
they are the negativities that harm others.
these breed of humans are the very reason the world is going bonkers.
as well as the society which are disintegrating.
what you do to others can happen to you.
do you believe in karma?
i do, and i'm waiting for it to punch you right in the face.
i'm waiting for you to fall.
or perhaps if not you, then the generation of yours to come.
have a taste of your own medicine.

this will not be forgotten, and never will be.

wu yue tian.

i am crazy.
i just had to listen to your songs.

fucked.

blind.

very dark.
with no desire to see the light.

its comfortable here.

insidious.

a thousand emotions all at once.
felt so much now that i'm starting to feel nothing.

wrench.

cleaning up day and i come across all the gifts you bought/made for me.
those are really sweet things.

feeling fucked up again.
and really i cant bear to throw them away.

i wonder how about you.
our couple ring i still bring around with me in my bag still.

sigh.

desolation.

the insides of me is breaking down.
i am feeding it.

no inner peace.

still have that dark side in me.

the desire to make people feel the pain they deserve.

an eye for an eye, a blind world.

in the end perhaps there can never be true peace.

light and dark exist together, yin and yang.

it is the balance of nature.

one cannot be without the other.

the old bench.

it has not been easy these few days.
kept remembering things that you might not even be thinking about.
i passed by the old bench below the blk near my house.
it was the place of our early days together.

you would always come over at night.
we would sit beside each other, full of smiles and laughter.
talked about anything and everything.

there was once i decided to meet you at your place.
i ended up taking the wrong bus and got lost.
really remember that one.
after all i was bad at directions.

now whenever i passed by that place, my heart sinks.
i really wonder how you are now...

k.

wait for that one day.
when it comes, smile.

smile in the face of despair :)

unhelpable.

doing grocery shopping felt different.
no one is dragging me to the wet tissue section.

i need help.

taken for granted.

good has lost it's heart.

the rush.

i close my eyes and everything rushes into my mind.

it hurts. it still does. and it hurts really, really badly.

go on.

because of you i have trust issues.
you messed me up pretty badly.

give yourself a pat on your back.

daze.

i was always happy to know i've got someone beautiful in my life.
even when my day got tough, i didn't mind.
all i know is at the end of the day, i could meet you.
that was all that mattered.

do you know how grateful i was to have you?
i had really thought we were meant for each other.
litte did i know this loving bond could change.
it changed to a straight-out opposite of what it used to be.

melancholic.

listening to certain songs sometimes remind me of a period of time in my life.
and you take up a big space on this.

almost every single song in my iPod reminds me of you and us.
more than half a decade. thats just how bad the damage is.

at all?

you didn't even contact me once.
it was always me.

our memories are really nothing to you?

screaming god.

each day my heart disintegrates.
it questions more.

heavy heart.

i hope you do went back to your dad's.
please don't forget about them.

in pieces - L.P.

You promised me the sky
Then tossed me like a stone
You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone










And you will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets, don't lie

deep inside.

Q: You will regret it if you throw it away.
Me: Okay... I'll keep it.

Deep inside this blackened heart, there's still colours of us that burns.
I still give a fuck, even with all these shit you throw at me.

until it's gone.

"Some people don't know what they have until it's gone."

"But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted. Who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most."

"Isn't it so much worse for them?"


- Lang Leav

not here, not there.

it came back again.
not that it had left.
this time more intense.
more strong.
more painful.

Mayday songs played in my head.
reminds me of how we start.
just casually together.
so young and free.
so full of love.

your face keeps flashing.
my heart weakens.
i was supposed to move on.
but i just could not.
i still need time.

tears would well up in my eyes.
this as i reminesce the moments we shared.
i. still. am. not. able. to. accept. it.
it was too fast and too shocking.
it was messy.

i'm neither alive nor dead.
an empty shell void of existence.
nothing i do is free of you.
the memories of you.
the memories of us.

//

last night i had a cruel dream.
i dreamt of us back when we were together.
having the time of our lives...

dying light.

you haven't truly given until you have given till it hurts.

SOS.

i had been the very optimistic one.
being there for people during their dark times.
listening to them as they speak their hearts out.
helping them to pull themselves together.

now it is my turn in need of them.
they did a lot for me but i am still living here.
i feel bad about my incapability in handling this situation.
i don't know what else to do.

nights like these.

i wonder if you ever thought about me at all.

i do still think about you.

you know how fucked up this is?

dark minds.

its hard not to look beyond one's smile now.
hard not to imagine a sleeping devil.
seeing life through different eyes.
it is not safe and it never was.
for every good people, there are the opposites.
it is better to be by yourself.
you know when you screw up.
you know it is your fault and thats that.
end of story.

"Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first" - Steve Irwin.

death note.

my view, in the end, is still the same years ago.
may the world be rid of humanly disease and pestilence.

purposeless walking.

it was dark and scary but it is still bearable.

still bearable.

negative change.

people say one has become a bad entity for harm he inflict upon himself.
i say the one who deserves such a statement is he who inflict harm upon another.

day becomes night.

its getting worse.

the attacks are more frequent.

the you.

you have no idea about the dreams i'm having.
the nightmares.
each time i jump awake.
they felt real.
its the closest i can feel you now.
in the world of my consciousness.
the you i had grown to love.
the you that was closest to my heart.
the you who have already died.

walking to nowhere.

alot.
threading unknown paths.
going long distances.
getting lost.

feet in pain.
body drenched in sweat.
but the mind is still.
at the same spot as it has always been.

critical.

no words can describe.
fubar.

no closure.

eyes grow weary,
each step is heavy.
all lights fade out,
soul left in doubt.

the suffering screams,
tearing heart's seams.
despair fills this space,
this never ending maze.

//

We've spent more than 5 years going to places. And its alot of places. Almost everywhere I go now, reminds me of the memories we shared there and then. I will sit and stare at nothingness as the memory reel spins through my mind. Flashbacks after flashbacks after flashbacks. I will smile a little. A weak smile. For one moment I was back in time, having the time of my life with you. Our hearts fluttering with joy. Rainbows and butterflies. (Of course not butterflies. You are afraid of them.) We separated but I still love you. You stayed in my heart for a long time and I wanted it to stay that way. Suddenly all these swirls into nothingness and anger gripped me. Furious. Furious at how you abused my trust. I was mad. But it was pointless. At that point when you lied, your heart was no longer with me. You no longer loved me. I was in my own happy world thinking of more days, weeks, years to come, and being by your side. How naive I am to think that you could be my first, my one and only forever. Disappointed. After all these years, you just stabbed my heart from the back and ran away, leaving a blood trail behind. I was in disbelief. I trusted you with my life. And there is no conscience in you to at least, at the fucking least, end this cleanly. After all these years, you finally showed what kind of person you are. Perhaps to you this is ok. But you should know that it is not. Here is a man whose heart you have broken and his soul crushed. Eventually he will heal with time, no matter how long it takes. If you have any humanity left in you, please help me close this chapter of my life with respect. Maybe, just maybe, we can move on. Or I would rather say, me.

self respect.

if there is even any left.

deadly whispers.

i ran out of places to go.
ran out of words to say.

feeling numb and cold.
just couldn't feel myself.

tried everything.
but its still there.

you've became a poison.
one i'm still hung on to.

injustice.

thats what you did to our love,
or rather what remains of it.

i didn't know.

i crawled through another day.
the bits and pieces fall through time after time.
got distracted, got myself staring into endless horizons.
can't eat, can't sleep, can't feel.
not without the thought of you in my mind.
bitter, merciless at that.
how do you move on from such a break?
how do you live your life?

i didn't know you can just leave me like this.
i didn't know you can be this heartless.

no beginning, no end.

told myself to stop on the first.

now going on fourth.

absolute paranoia.

eyes fully shut.
what follows, leads.

teach me.

"Be like the flower that gives its fragrance to even the hand that crushes it."

a light that never comes - L.P.

When the floodgates open, brace your shores
That pressure don't care when it breaks your doors
Say it's all you can take, better take some more

Waiting for a light that never comes

fuckthisshit.

installed Picasa and every fucking photos load up.
Wldkjifenjsdjwjsdiskkwndkswmdjdidjejesdkjfike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the everything.

did it not count for anything?

i've been watching.

i've been waiting.

a lost mind.

lovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehatelovehate

the requiem - L.P.

God save us everyone
Will we burn inside the fires of a thousand suns
For the sins of our hand
Sins of our tongue
Sins of our father
Sins of our young

until you lose yourself.

there is this thing about lies.
you end up covering a lie, with another lie, another lie, another lie.

remember?

remember how i was always unable to lie in front of you?
whenever you suspected that i was lying, you would just smile and asked me to look you in the eye.
i would always try my best to keep a straight face if i really was lying.
sometimes when i'm already telling the truth, i would play along and struggle just so i can see you smile as you do your best to make me spill it out.
you knew i could never lie when i look at you in the eye.
whenever i looked at those eyes, it made me feel warm and loved.
it made me open up and i felt that there was nothing to hide.
there you were, the girl i so much loved.
why should i keep things from you.
you ought to know everything about me and my secrets.

but you.
there was no way of knowing if you have lied.
i have never even once tested you to see if you were telling the truth.
why would the girl who loved me, lie to me.
you were such a sweetheart.
you cared so much for me.
i was the best boyfriend, the kindest person you knew.
that, eventually, was my downfall.

look where we are now.
i don't know about you.
but i'm here, waiting for your reply.
wondering what had happened.
mind filled up with static thoughts.
day in.
day out.

vanish.

why are you avoiding me?

am i a stranger already?

oh look.

christmas. christmas over.

new year. new year over.

my birthday. birthday over.

(nice birthday wish to me by the way. very nice.

5 years together and that's the kind of message you can give? hah!)

you are treating me like dirt.

i have become an insignificant piece of matter in your life.

how is it? easy for you?

should have listened to you L.

but because i fucking trust!
because i trust...

effort.

does love need it?
you make it seems like it doesn't.

whose pain is greater?

all those guilty, let one day in the future may you be fed with the same poison.
and when it comes, let's see if you can still smile.

third pack.

i was this close to unleashing hell.
there were no thoughts of consequences.
this suffering is not mine alone to carry.
even if its for a fraction i would.

what are you?

what is right?
what is wrong?

what was that feeling you have for me?
what was it that took it away from me?
what have all these hopes lead to?
what made you do this?
what did i ever not do?
what did i ever do to deserve?
what does these all mean?

what?

treacherous.

everywhere and everytime.
almost everytime.

unexpected.

even the least uncaring, cared for me.

light & dark.

today, its yours.
but tomorrow, tomorrow it will never be yours.

selfish.

Humans are capable of horrendous acts.

relapse.

again.
and again.
and again.

27.

The night is a little too long.
I'm picking up pieces of what is left.
Still thinking, still wondering.
Still tearing over the same old shit.
Our picture still in the frame on my desk.
Your calling name still stuck in my phone.
Photos are still everywhere.
In phone, tablet, hardrives and also prints.
Where will all these go?
I can't even look at them.
If I do, I will see your eyes and your smile.
And for that moment I would die.
My mind goes blank and the heart stops beating.
Oh how much we had loved each other.
For far too long we cherished and adored.
Cared and appreciated one another.
Yet you left.
You just left me in a flash.
Left me with lies trailing behind.
Left with many questions go unanswered.
I was naive. I was stupid.
I became a fool to someone I dearly loved.
I had always trusted you.
And you used it.
I have lost love and faith.
May I find them again some day.
And if I do, I would hold them tight.
Keeping them away from malice.
Away from selfish, sick beings.
But right now, I'm still struggling.
God knows why.
The stick is ending.
And the coffee is getting cold.
Time for me to turn in.

Happy birthday to me.

waiting for the end - L.P.

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got.

guilty, all the same.

in the end, we all burn for our sins.

it creeps.

Lost,

is my heart,

not knowing where it hurts.

Lost,

is my soul,

not knowing how to go on.

Lost,

is my mind,

not knowing why it's here.

Everything. Everything is broken.

spillover.

if i go down, you will too.